Jokes!!!!!!

Someone e-mailed this to me
i can easily say i laughed my a** off
Enjoy



THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."



On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."



She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."



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Lol! Heres one!

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears."

lol funny nonetheless
but just to clarify for me
(its getting late here)
by lossing both ears
you mean the ear itself not the ear canal so he can still hear right
:s im slow i know

Yes thats correct lol. The ear canal is stil present.

good!! im happy i got that seeing how tired i am
btw, how did you get a 'live' shot from Guild Wars?
and uhh, what district is that, i want to see if i cant get in it

well here is another, if anyone is a regular on Ebaumsworld.com
you will know this

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man\

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The guy in purple, He takes live images every 10 secs. - i havent got a clue wich district it is. picked at random. lol

man who farts in church sits in own pew!!

LOL
play on words

well, all, i got another joke i found...... here it is:
An old and blind man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks, "Do you guys wanna hear a joke?" The bartender replies "whoa-slow down- theres a polish weightlifter on your right, a polish boxer on your left, and im part of the gang. You still want to tell that joke?" And the old man says, "No, i don't want to have to explain three times."
Please excuse this if it offends you... this is just the way I heard it....

lol - whats the joke in the joke?

Unhappy Dwarf

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

_______________

well someone emailed this to me
and i found it on Ebaumsworld.com too
so which ever sounds more fun
thats where i got it from

_______________________
the rest here i got off ebaumsworld
i just like them so ive decided to put them up here
and im kinda bored

Deer Tracks

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
_______________

Age Old Question

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
___________________

I have another joke:

A polish guy is hunting in the woods and suddenly see's a nude woman. She see's him, and says seductively, "Im game." So he SHOOTS her.

again, this was not to offend anyone

hey, have you guys heard the cows diaper joke? Its full of bullcrap
what about the vampire one? nah that one sucks

Don't Drink and Drive
A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" the man answered.

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

ok got 1 more lol

Blonde Lottery

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

lol good jokes!

thanks
i work hard
to find the really good ones

three workers

An Irishman, a Mexican and an Oklahoma redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage One more time for lunch I'm going to jump off of this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Oklahoma redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Oklahoma redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him two tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Oklahoma redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his
own lunch!"



P.S. SAMA read this one

its funny dammit
its funny

btw i have another

lipstick
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

Mature Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

Nice one guys, some of these are pretty funny.

SCREWED

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
____________________________________

21 reasons why English is a pain

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

i know its a lot to read
but if you didnt
do it
it is funny
and so $*#& true

Six kids

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."
________________
The Bear and the Rabbit

There was a bear and a rabbit, and they found a magic lamp. So they both rubbed it at the same time, and a genie popped up.
The Genie said " I will grant you each 3 wishes"

so the bear went first, he said " I wish that all the bears in the park, were all girls except for me."

Then the rabbit said " I wish i had a motorcycle"

The Bear said " I wish all the bear’s in the state were all girls except for me

Then the rabbit said " I wish i had a helmet for my motorcycle"

The Bear said " I wish all the bear’s in the world were all girls except for me "

Then the Rabbit said " I wish bear was gay"